Showing posts with label ZOMBIES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ZOMBIES. Show all posts

Saturday, December 23, 2023

MALL WONDER

Last-minute shoppers will be relieved to know that The Millcreek Mall...

...serving my beloved hometown of Erie, Pennsylvania, was named "Best Hideout for a Zombie Apocalypse" last March by gambling site JeffBet, beating out even The Mall of America in Minnesota (which came in fifth on the list). More recently, Millcreek Mall was rated the seventh-best mall in America for Christmas shopping.

You can read how both distinctions come together in my novel, The Night Before Christmas of the Living Dead...

...which is set at the Millcreek Mall, and whose hapless hero is indeed a frantic last-minute shopper.

A safe, zombie-free and Merry Christmas to all from Less Hat, Moorhead!

Friday, April 30, 2021

LIMBO ROCKS

In theaters this weekend:

Limbo--The title refers to a beautiful, bleak Scottish island on which a handful of refugees, young men seeking asylum in the UK, are held until a decision is made on their cases. Their detainment isn't overtly cruel; they aren't tortured, except by boredom, homesickness, lack of purpose and the occasional casual bigotry of their neighbors.

They watch TV, squabble about the finer points of Friends, and wait for Godot in the form of the mailman in hopes of word on their status, or use of the phone booth to call home. They also sit, blank-faced, through near-surreal classes intended to introduce them to their new culture.

The focus is on Omar (Amir El-Masry), a handsome, deadpan young Syrian. The misery of Omar's situation is compounded by a physical factor: he's lugging around the family oud, a guitar-like musical instrument. He's reputed to be a master of the oud, and his doleful-eyed Afghan friend and self-appointed manager Fahrad (Vikash Bhai) would like to arrange a concert for the islanders. But Omar can't bring himself to play it in his new circumstance on the grounds that "It doesn't sound the same."

Written and directed by Ben Sharrock, this comedy-drama is quiet in tone, at times achieving an almost Beckett-esque atmosphere of comic suspension. But there's a humane hopefulness under the melancholia that keeps the movie from becoming downbeat.

It should also be said that some of the native islanders speak a Scottish dialect so nearly opaque to the American ear that the refugees, with their comparatively mild accents, would probably seem less alien to us. All those Friends reruns seem to have been good practice.

Available on Vimeo:

YouthMin: A Mockumentary--Pastor Dave, or "Pastor Deee," is a youth minister who, to put it mildly, tries too hard. Every year, he takes a small group of sullen teens to a Bible camp in Massachusetts.

The low turnout for his camp excursions may be due to Patror Deee being, well, intolerable. A bouncing-off-the-walls, energy-drink-guzzling maniac, he is also furiously competitive, determined to win every camp competition from tug-of-war to ice cream eating to "Bible Jeopardy." He's a trash-talker, too; the one Biblical teaching that he isn't sure of, he says, is that stuff about turning the other cheek.

Jeff Ryan, who plays Pastor Deee, also co-directed, with Arielle Cimino, this comedy in the Christopher Guest mode. Considering that it seems to have been made at least somewhat within a churchy context, it's surprisingly candid and self-deprecating about the moral issues people might have with this version of Christianity, and it's (blessedly) foul-mouthed and sexually frank. It's also full of sharply-observed details about the Bible camp experience--like "Pharaoh, Pharaoh" sung to the tune of "Louis, Louis"--that seem like spoofery but probably aren't, and anyone who has spent any time within that culture will find much in this movie recognizable.

The supporting cast is capable, playing characters ranging from an intelligent goth girl to a quiet loner to the pregnant (but unwed) and much more sensible youthmin that's been sent along to temper Pastor Deee's mania. Mostly these characters serve as appalled foils to the wound-up Pastor, who is sometimes too cringeworthy to be funny. As broadly played and wacky as YouthMin is, as a character study it borders, at times, on pathos.

Also on on Vimeo and YouTube, another charming low-budget oddity from New England:

Sam & Mattie Make a Zombie Movie--Sam is Sam Suchmann and Mattie is Mattie Zufelt, inseparable teenage brothers from other mothers in Providence, Rhode Island. Both have Down syndrome--they met at Special Olympics--as well as an exuberant love for guy-oriented pop culture. This documentary, co-directed by Sam's older brother Jesse, chronicles how these guys got the Providence community, as well as some film-industry heavy hitters, to help them write and star in a twisted, extremely gory, free-associational and genuinely hilarious 45-minute horror flick called Spring Break Zombie Massacre.

The first half shows how, having committed to making the movie, Sam and Mattie's collaborators made sure that the finished product truly was the boys' work; we see the script conferences in which they craft the dialogue and defend their artistic choices, sometimes pretty contentiously. In the second half, we're shown Spring Break Zombie Massacre, with an occasional pause in the action so that Jesse can offer some behind-the-scenes explanation on Sam and Mattie's process.

The movie-within-the-movie, deftly directed by Robert Carnevale, is the story of how the Devil storms into the delivery room while our heroes are being simultaneously born, from different mothers but the same father (!). Deeply offended by being told to "grow up," the Devil kills both mothers, and shows up years later to stalk Our Heroes with his army of "zombies, demons and zombie demons" (these identities are assigned to his minions by a show of hands). He also urinates, first on the floor of the delivery room, and later in the punchbowl at the prom.

Without exaggeration, I can say that I have seen "professional" horror and action movies with dialogue and situations no less disjointed, and not nearly as pungent and witty. This movie has troubled passages, as older brother Jesse expresses doubts about the project--it's up to Peter Farrelly of There's Something About Mary, for instance, to advise Sam and Mattie that they should be sure to respect women--and its aftermath. But overall, this is a joyous, inspiring ode to the power of the movies to render life not as it is but as you think it should be.

Thursday, December 17, 2020

A NOVEL GIFT IDEA

Have I got the perfect 2020 holiday stocking stuffer for you, at least for the degenerate Grinches on your list! The UK's Dockyard Press has republished my holiday horror novel The Night Before Christmas of the Living Dead in an authoritative new edition...

It's not fit for respectable readers, but those who enjoy blood and gore, raunchy sex, foul language, depraved characters and sophomoric preachiness about the evils of holiday consumerism should love it!

You'll notice that I'm willing to put my sanctimony about the evils of consumerism on pause long enough to ask you to buy this book...

Monday, June 17, 2019

STIFF COMPETITION

Check out my review, on Phoenix Magazine online, of The Dead Don't Die, the funny but ultimately disappointing zombie movie by Jim Jarmusch...


...along with my reviews of the new Shaft, and the documentaries The Spy Behind Home Plate and Echo in the Canyon.

The Jarmusch movie has me thinking about the cannibal ghoul genre that became so ubiquitous in the last couple of decades that it seemed in danger of chasing away other forms of horror picture. It's taken over TV too, of course, and it hasn't stopped there; a few years ago Mesa Community College hosted a symposium about economics during a zombie apocalypse.

Anyway, I started trying to formulate a top-ten best zombie pictures list, and initially I found it hard to fill out. As compelling as zombie pictures can be at their best, the vast majority of them are unimaginative, unpleasant, low-rent junk. But finally I was able to come up with ten titles that I could wholeheartedly endorse, plus a couple of honorable mentions. See what you think:

Maggie (2015)--Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a farmer whose daughter Abigail Breslin is turning into a zombie. This well-acted movie is a reproach to the idea that a plague like this would anarchic and fun.

Dead Alive (1992)--This early Peter Jackson splatter-fest is a gruesome riot, plus it includes a stop-motion "Sumatran rat monkey."


Day of the Dead (1985)--The third of George Romero's Night of the Living Dead series, set mostly in an underground military-scientific research station, is pretty memorable, between the splenetic performance of Joseph Pilato as the wound-up commanding officer and Howard Sherman as the reflective zombie "Bub."

Zombieland (2009)--Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, Jesse Eisenberg and Abigail Breslin wander a zombie-ridden America. Over the course of the film Eisenberg enumerates the many rules for survival in a zombie plague; rule number one is simple, and probably wise under any circumstance: "Cardio." Also, as with The Dead Don't Die, Bill Murray's in it.

Shaun of the Dead (2004)--The first and best entry in Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and Edgar Wright's so-called "Cornetto Trilogy" was both the best English comedy and the second-best zombie picture of its year. It was genuinely funny, and by the end, surprisingly emotional.

Shock Waves (1977)--There are zombies, and then there are underwater Nazi zombies. Shipwrecked tourists meet the great Peter Cushing as an SS officer, living on a deserted resort on a tropical island; he's custodian to the remnant of the Totenkorps, undead Nazi soldiers adapted for environments inhospitable to the living (like the bottom of the ocean). Brooke Adams, Luke Halpin and John Carradine are also in this creepy low-budgeter from director Ken Wiederhorn. The shots of the Nazombies rising from the waves are freaky.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)--In Zack Snyder's reboot of George Romero's zombies-at-the-mall classic, the zombies run instead of slowly plod. I'm an old-school zombie purist, but there's no denying that Snyder's movie is exciting, genuinely scary, and possessed of a fine sick sense of humor.

Dawn of the Dead (1978)--Zombies overrun the lower levels of the Monroeville Mall near Pittsburgh; survivors commandeer the upper decks. Directed by George Romero with gore effects by Tom Savini, this is one of the movies that defined the zombie genre, among many memorable moments is the notorious downsizing of the "Helicopter Zombie" (Jim Krut).



Return of the Living Dead (1985)--Dan O'Bannon's "meta" send-up of the Romero classic, in which the zombies are verbal and specifically crave "braaaaaains!" is chilling and hilarious, with performances by veterans Clu Gulager, Don Calfa and James Karen that are not only lovable but truly touching.

Night of the Living Dead (1968)--Nothing especially imaginative or controversial about my number-one choice. The first of its kind remains, as far as I'm concerned, the best of its kind; George Romero's low-budget black-and-white zombie yarn gets the nod not only for its skillful, suspenseful film-making but for its nightmarish yet convincing atmosphere.

Honorable mentions include World War Z, that almost gore-free epic starring Brad Pitt that you could nearly take your Grandma to, zombie rom-coms like Life After Beth and Warm Bodies, and the literary zombie mash-up Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I'll also admit to a soft spot for the six Resident Evil pictures, though that may have more to do with my deep feelings for heroine Milla Jovavich.

Monday, October 24, 2016

CHILL OUT

One week to Halloween, my favorite holiday!

Barry Graham was kind enough to include my zombie novel The Night Before Christmas of the Living Dead on his list of “creepy reads for Halloween.” It’s available on Amazon Kindle or in a dead-tree edition with kick-ass cover art by my pal Vince Larue…



This isn’t a quid pro quo: When I started reading Graham’s classic Of Darkness and Light...


...one Friday evening about twenty years ago, it kept me awake and creeped out farther into the wee hours of Saturday than I intended.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

SHOW ME THE MONKEY

Happy New Year next Monday everybody! Chinese New Year, that is. This time we ring in the Year of the Monkey, so…

Monster-of-the-Week: …the nod goes to the hideous (but wonderfully stop-motion-animated) “Sumatran Rat Monkey” who gets the zombie plague rolling in Peter Jackson’s 1992 shocker Dead Alive (aka Braindead)...


 
The creature also got a nice sort-of-cameo in Jackson’s version of King Kong.

Thursday, December 31, 2015

MOLD LANG SYNE

Happy New Year’s Eve everybody!

The makers of the upcoming film Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, slated to open February 5, have told me I should “HAVE A BLOODY LOVELY NEW YEAR.” I’ll try, and I certainly pass the wish along to you. So…

Monster-of-the-Week: …let’s make this week’s honoree any member of the title’s third category, here seen reaching up from below…

A prosperous and joyous 2016 to all!

Friday, May 8, 2015

MAGGIE HE COULDN'T HAVE TRIED ANY MORE

Opening at Arizona Mills this weekend: 


MaggieAbigail Breslin plays the title role, a Midwest farmer’s daughter who’s been bitten and infected during a cannibal zombie plague. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Wade, the farmer, who has brought her home from the hospital to wait out the four-to-six week period before she undergoes “The Turn” and becomes “necroambular.”

Directed by Henry Hobson from a script by John Scott 3, this is an austere, low-key horror drama that attempts to depict what a zombie apocalypse would really look like. It’s broodingly atmospheric and well-acted. I don’t know if Schwarzenegger is a better actor than he used to be or if age has just given him more weather-beaten gravitas, but either way he’s a strong presence here. His understated star turn is genuinely poignant, and Breslin does fine work as well, as does Joely Richardson as Maggie’s stepmom.

The movie is very well done on its own terms, but I can’t say I enjoyed it. There’s almost no action to speak of, and, because the situation seems pretty hopeless from the start, not much suspense. There’s a scene in which Maggie has a date with a similarly infected boy that’s rather good, and the last five minutes or so are redemptively touching, but other than that, the movie offers Schwarzenegger’s haggard, haunted visage as he helplessly watches his beautiful, fresh-faced daughter turn into a corpse. It wasn’t my idea of fun.

But perhaps Maggie’s lack of fun is a sign of integrity. The zombie genre has burgeoned so much in the last twenty years partly because it’s an economical way to make a horror picture, and partly because it’s proven more resonant than would have been guessed. But it’s also expanded, I think, because of a queasy enthusiasm that some fans show for the anything-goes world it depicts—especially, I fear, an enthusiasm for the opportunity to shoot people in the head with impunity.

Maggie can be seen as a reproach to the idea that a zombie plague would be cool—a reminder that it would be, rather, mostly about people witnessing the loss of their loved ones. What The Road was to the post-apocalyptic sci-fi action movie, Maggie is to the zombie movie.

Hot PursuitSofia Vergara’s shtick works for me; I find her elongated, nasal, whining vowel sounds and her sense of tempestuous grievance sexy and funny. And while Reese Witherspoon has never been a special favorite of mine, her work in Wild and Election and other films shows that she’s a formidable actress.

So it would take a lot for a movie to rob these two of their appeal. Yet this wretched chase comedy manages the impressive feat.

Witherspoon is a high-strung, hyper-by-the-book San Antonio cop, and Vergara is the protected witness against a drug lord she must transport to Dallas to testify. Various goons shoot at them and chase them in cars.

Conventional though this is, there’s nothing very wrong with it as the premise for a buddy comedy. There’s nothing terribly wrong, even, with the way the director, Anne Fletcher, shapes some of the action scenes. But the dialogue is vacuous, and the two leads, perhaps sensing no help from the writing, push their personas to cartoonish extremes.

The resulting antics are excruciatingly unfunny. In fairness, I suppose I should report that the screening audience with whom I saw the film seemed to be having a fairly good time. But I’m very indulgent when it comes to lowbrow comedy, and I’m not sure that Hot Pursuit made me laugh out loud a single time.

The great Jim Gaffigan has a minor role, and even he didn’t make me laugh. When Jim Gaffigan doesn’t make you laugh, it means the movie isn’t working.

Monday, December 22, 2014

ZOMBIE MERRY AND BRIGHT

Need a last-minute cyber-gift for the twisted, morbid degenerate on your list? Why not send them my holiday zombie novel, The Night Before Christmas of the Living Dead? It’s available on Amazon for a penny less than a buck…


A living-dead-tree edition is available, too, for a couple bucks more.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

THROWS LIKE A GHOUL

The zombie romantic comedy (zomromcom?) Life After Beth, starring the ever-adorable Aubrey Plaza, opens this weekend here in the Valley. This puts me in mind of a few weeks ago, when The Wife and I had the displeasure of seeing our beloved Diamondbacks get clobbered by the Pittsburgh Pirates, 8-3. It was a fairly dismal spectacle, but the evening had a bright spot…

Monster-of-the-Week: …in that we were among the 20,000 fans given this week’s honoree, the Diamondbacks Zombie Bobblehead…



Among the mysteries surrounding him: Why is he missing a shoe? Are we to gather that he was zombified while on the last step of dressing to go to a D-bax game?

Sunday, August 3, 2014

HOT AUGUST BLIGHT

Happy August everybody!

While The Kid hung out at a pal’s house for the evening, The Wife and I betook ourselves to Chase Field last night for Zombie Bobblehead night, to watch the Diamondbacks take on the Pittsburgh Pirates. Despite a pretty solid performance by starter Chase Anderson, it ended up a wretched 8-3 rout of the reptiles by the Bucs. Reliever Randall Delgado plunked poor blameless Andrew McCutchen in the back in the 9th inning...


...apparently in retaliation for Ernesto Frieri’s pitch that broke Paul Goldscmidt’s hand Friday night, but we even missed this bit of ugly spectacle, having left in disgust by that time. We heard it on the car radio on the way home. But it was a fun evening out anyway, and since the Pirates were my Dad’s beloved team it was nice to picture him smiling at the outcome.

I was pleased, anyway, to see that the local boys managed a 3-2 win over the Pirates this afternoon, albeit on a controversial walk-off play.


Speaking of August, check out my story on page 98 of this month’s Phoenix Magazine, on hot Valley neighborhoods.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

DEADBACKS

Easy shot, but considering the nature of the Arizona Diamondbacks' play this season, few promotions could be more appropriate than this Saturday’s, at Chase Field: Zombie Night. Despite their 9th-inning comeback in Chicago Wednesday, the lads have certainly looked like a bunch of stiffs out there this year. So…

Monster-of-the-Week: …this week’s honor goes to this guy…
 

Thursday, January 2, 2014

YARD WORK

Your Humble Narrator isn’t much of a game guy. But The Kid recently put a simple game on my Kindle with which I find myself able to waste a fair amount of time. Therefore…

Monster-of-the-Week: …this week the nod goes to any specimen of the seemingly bottomless supply of Backyard Zombies…

…the rather cheerful-looking undead that assail you from either side of the Kindle proscenium in the game of the same title. It is, I admit, brain-numbingly satisfying to dispatch one after another.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

CHRISTMAS IN OCTOBER

Happy Halloween everybody!

Appropriate to the day, Your Humble Narrator would like to offer the great Kindle-reading public his new novel, The Night Before Christmas of the Living Dead; or, A Very Zombie Christmas


Like my first effort, Super Eight Days, it’s available on Amazon Kindle for just 99 cents. Unlike Super Eight, it’s a gruesome, raunchy, twisted horror tale crammed with gory violence, graphic sex, warped psychology and terrible language, all set against the backdrop of Holiday consumerism. It's not for kids, or for adults with decent sensibilities.

I’m hoping that a “dead tree” edition of the book will be available soon.

The art is by Vince LaRue.