Showing posts with label TOPLESS ROBOT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TOPLESS ROBOT. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

THE ROBOT SHUTS UP...

…and puts its top back on, alas…


 Your Humble Narrator is displeased to report that the Village Voice nerd-culture website The Robot’s Voice (formerly Topless Robot), to which I was a frequent contributor for the last two and half years, has been closed. I hope its editor, Luke Thompson, finds himself up to new mischief soon.

The Phoenix Film Critics Society, of which I’m a proud founding member, has announced its 2015 Award Winners. I’m especially happy with this year’s Best Picture winner, which had my vote. My own Top Ten list will follow shortly after the New Year.

Here are some reflections on Christmas music that have occurred to me recently:


“Santa Baby” is a really impressive piece of songwriting, with a spectacularly complex, intricate rhyme scheme. Also, did you know it was written by the niece of Jacob Javits? Also, all versions of this song except Eartha Kitt’s should be banned from the airwaves. Madonna’s coy bimbo version withers embarrassingly beside Kitt’s sedate, unhurried vocal, a perfect counterpoint to the infantile acquisitiveness of the lyric.

There have been many delightful versions of the duet “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” But the older I get, the more it starts to sound like a creepy date-rape song, especially in the line “Say, what’s in this drink?"

Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” is rousingly performed, but something has always bugged me about it, and I think it’s this: It’s insulting. She keeps saying she doesn’t want much this Christmas, she isn’t asking for much, and then she says the trifling little insignificant thing she wants is…you. Gee, thanks.

Monday, October 26, 2015

FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE IT

Check out my list, on The Robot’s Voice (formerly Topless Robot), of 10 of the greatest movie “monsters” in the Scooby-Doo tradition.


Be forewarned, though: Spoilers galore!

Thursday, October 8, 2015

MILTONIC STYLE

The Village Voice nerd-culture website formerly known as Topless Robot, to which I’ve been a proud contributor for a couple of years now, has redubbed itself The Robot’s Voice. The site featured my two-part list of the 20 Greatest Pop-Culture Martians (who aren’t Matt Damon) yesterday and today. 

Monster-of-the-Week: Only one possible choice this week. Tomorrow marks the fiftieth anniversary of The Milton the Monster Show on ABC, so the nod goes to the title character…

  

 …undoubtedly the sweetest-natured and least rancorous of all monsters—he didn’t even have Herman Munster’s tendency to throw tantrums. While his open-topped skull out of which he vented steam may have helped his disposition, Milton’s sweetness really derived from an excess of “Tincture of Tenderness” accidentally added to his essence by mad scientist Professor Weirdo during his creation.

The show also included such supporting acts as Fearless Fly, who would revert to his mild-mannered alter ego Hirem when he removed his glasses—my bespectacled brother used to do an imitation of him that I regarded as pretty sophisticated comedy when I was six—and Flukey Luke, a cowboy in the big city long before McCloud.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE

Check out my list, on Topless Robot, in appreciation of one of the less-loved films of the late lamented Wes Craven, his 1985 The Hills Have Eyes Part 2...


For various reasons there elaborated, I’ve always been fond of it.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

UP AGAINST THE WALTER

Check out my list, on Topless Robot, of ten triumphant Tracey Walter credits.


RIP to the seriously adorable Yvonne Craig, passed on at 78. She’s hard to forget as the primly high-kicking Batgirl in the third season of the ‘60s Batman series...
 


 ...but she should also be remembered as the green-skinned, ill-fated Marta, consort of Steve Ihnat’s LOOOORD Garth in the Star Trek episode “Whom Gods Destroy.”


She’s also an example of what Mars needs in Larry Buchanan’s Mars Needs Women. Get in line, Mars.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

CLINT TRAP

Check out my list, on Topless Robot, of Clint Howard coolness.


No further inducement than the name “Clint Howard” should be necessary.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

SO REXY IT HURTS

With Jurassic World opening this weekend, check out my list, on Topless Robot, of the best Dinosaur “Cameos.”

Also…

Monster-of-the-Week: …this week let’s acknowledge “Indominus Rex...”



...the genetically-modified hybrid superdinosaur who stars in Jurassic World

Thursday, May 7, 2015

MOURNING RAND

In honor of the DVD release this week of the submarine thriller Black Sea, check out my list, on Topless Robot, of Nerdy Submarine Adventures.

RIP to the lovely Grace Lee Whitney, passed on at 85.


Whitney was in movies like Some Like it Hot and Irma La Douce, but will almost certainly be most remembered as Yeoman Janice Rand in the first few episodes of Star Trek. I had the good luck to interview her on my KTAR radio show back in 1998, and I’m proud to say that she gave me the copy of her autobiography, The Longest Trek—much of it focused on her struggle with alcoholism—now on my bookshelf (the foreward, by the way, is by her friend Leonard Nimoy).

Anyway, in her honor…

Monster-of-the-Week: …let’s give the nod to the “M-113 Creature,” a vampire who sucks the salt out of people instead of the blood, and who can shape-shift into other people’s forms… 

 
…in the first-season episode “The Man Trap” (the first Star Trek episode ever aired). The M-113 Creature, disguised as a previously desalinated crewman, stalks Yeoman Rand as she dawdles along with a tray of food, leering at her salt shaker.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF CRAWLY

If you’re in an anti-festive mood—I’m not, and I’m sorry if you are, but in case you are—check out my list, on Topless Robot, of The 12 Messed-Up Days of Christmas.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

STAY YONGARY

Check out my list, on Topless Robot, of 10 Insults to North Korea You Could Watch Instead of The Interview. The list includes the North Korean giant monster flick Pulgasari, but Pulgie’s been a Monster-of-the-Week twice already, so…

Monster-of-the-Week: …in the interest of international equal time this week let’s acknowledge a South Korean beast, the title character of 1967’s Yongary, Monster From the Deep




This late-show favorite may be viewed in its entirety, here:

Friday, December 12, 2014

FLIPPING THE BIRD

Birdman has racked up the SAG and Golden Globe nominations this past week. But somehow, big fan of Michael Keaton though I am, that film, remarkable though it is, rubs me the wrong way. Check out my list, on Topless Robot, of some reasons why.

Opening this week:


Top FiveChris Rock is the best American stand-up comedian currently active, and one of the greatest of all time. He is, beyond doubt, a comedy star. But somehow he’s never been able to make a convincing case that he’s a movie star. Something about the guy’s presence has always seemed to shrink a little, grow weaker, when he’s not on stage by himself, but is surrounded by a bunch of actors in a fiction film.

This has nothing to do with his talent. He’s natural and believable enough onscreen, and in an early supporting role in New Jack City (1991) he showed himself capable of powerful acting. But when he’s at the center of a movie, he suddenly no longer has that electric command of the audience’s attention that he has doing stand-up. His star vehicles, like Bad Company, Down to Earth and I Think I Love My Wife, make a sadly forgettable list.

The bad news about his new film Top Five, which he also wrote and directed, is that it doesn’t entirely end this streak. It isn’t a knockout. The good news is that it’s nonetheless the best he’s done so far, by a good margin, and its best scenes are vibrant, complex and extremely funny.

The film, Rock’s version of Sullivan’s Travels or Woody Allen’s Stardust Memories, traces a long day in the life of Andre Allen (Rock), a comedian and the star of a string of idiotic but lucrative “Hammy the Bear” comedies. Andre’s in New York trying to promote his new movie Uprize, a tortured drama about Haitian revolutionary Dutty Boukman, and to attend a bachelor party for his upcoming wedding to a reality-TV diva (Gabrielle Union). He agrees, reluctantly, to be interviewed by a New York Times contributor (Rosario Dawson), a big fan of his stand-up who disapproves of the cheesy commercial turn his career has taken.

Can you guess where this is headed? Well, you’re right, but the plot, such as it is, isn’t the point here. Rock has cunningly structured the film so that Dawson provides an onscreen audience for his riffs on various subjects. There are also terrific freestanding sequences, like a punishingly funny (and dirty) flashback of Andre’s lowest point, or a raucous ensemble scene when he visits his family.

The movie hits some false notes and dawdles on a bit too long, and in any case it comes nowhere near Rock’s strongest stand-up. Even so, at least for fans of this genius, it’s well worth seeing.



Exodus: Gods and KingsFor all his diligence as an actor, Christian Bale—like Rock, I suppose, only more so—sometimes shows a recessive puniness of spirit as movie star. At least for me, he lacks the grandeur to play a superhero.

Theoretically, this might make him right for the role of Moses in a movie about the Old Testament prophet, who was, after all, an unimpressive speaker in his own opinion. In practice, however, giving the lead in a nearly three-hour epic to a guy with a brick in his mouth turns out to be inadvisable. Say what you will about Charlton Heston’s monolithic turn in The Ten Commandments, but you caught every furious word. When the old Pharaoh (John Turturro) asks if the Egyptians can beat the Hittites or if the slaves are about to revolt or whatever, Bale’s Moses replies “Fribshm mblim snablub griflb.”

That said, the plagues and miracles are entertainingly staged by director Ridley Scott, and Ramses, played by Joel Edgerton—no champ in the diction department either—has our sympathy when he loses his child on Passover. There’s some ingenious dialogue, too, particularly between Moses and God, here personified as a rather cheeky little boy. The kid has the diction of an RSC actor, by the way. I kept waiting for The Almighty to reply to one of Bale’s mumbles with “I’m sorry, I may be All-Knowing, but I didn’t catch that.”

Thursday, October 16, 2014

BLOOD LISTER

Continuing our Dracula theme from last week…

Monster-of-the-Week: …let’s give the nod to Dracula as a superhero, in this short-lived 1966 title from Dell Comics…


He’s just one selection on my Topless Robot list of the “18 Strangest Versions of Dracula.”

Friday, February 28, 2014

IT DOESN'T BLOW

Hayao Miyazaki’s Oscar-nominated animated feature The Wind Rises, opening here in the Valley this weekend, is one of the most visually and kinetically beautiful movies I’ve ever seen. Miyazaki has claimed that this dizzying paean to the glories of aviation will be his last film, and if so, he’s certainly going out on top, although it’s a morally complicated, troubling triumph.


In content, the movie is a heavily romanticized biopic of Jiro Horikoshi, the aeronautical engineer whose designs for Mitsubishi in the ‘30s led to the Japanese warplanes of the WWII era. According to Miyazaki’s script, as a boy Horikoshi idolized the Italian aircraft designer Gianni Caproni, and the movie dramatizes this hero-worship by making them “friends” through shared dreams of riding in the sort of huge, elegant, multi-winged passenger airplanes that Caproni envisioned, like his magnificent and hopeless nine-winged “Noviplano.” The young Jiro wears coke-bottle lenses on his face, and thus glumly knows he won’t be a pilot, but his dream mentor tells him that designing airplanes is a far more prestigious pursuit anyway.

As a child in rural Pennsylvania, I lived along the runway of a small recreational airpark and flight school, and while I never had aspirations to be a pilot, I can vividly recall dreams not very dissimilar to Jiro’s—blue skies full of impossibly large, roomy flying contraptions. This imagery gives The Wind Rises an epic grandeur, as do, on the darker side, such scenes as a depiction of the 1923 earthquake that demolished Tokyo.

But the film also has, or at least it had for me, a riveting perceptual intimacy. Miyazaki’s intense primary colors, the subtlety of his light-and-shadow effects (and sound effects), and the eccentricity of his compositions deliver the past to us with a joyous hallucinatory immediacy that live action filmmaking, no matter how fine, couldn’t equal. There are moments, lots of them, which feel, somehow, like time travel. Strictly as cinema, The Wind Rises is heavenly.

It’s not that simple on the level of content, however. In one of their dream conversations, Caproni also tells the young Jiro that airplanes aren’t for war, or for making money; that airplanes are, rather, “beautiful dreams.” Well, yeah, but….

Herein, of course, lies the difficulty with The Wind Rises. The charmingly told hero struggle we’re watching is the development of the Zero, the airplane that attacked Pearl Harbor and brought so much misery and death to so many people, Allies and Axis alike. Toward the end of the film, Jiro and a friend are discussing the uses to which their design will likely be put, the other countries against which it will be used. “Japan will blow up,” says one, little knowing how literally right he will be, as a result of another, less aesthetically pleasing innovation in weaponry in another country.

“We’re not arms merchants,” says the other. “We just want to build good aircraft.” That justification might be acceptable from a boy, but from grown men, fully aware of the implications of their work, it just sounds obtuse.

Of course, anyone can find themselves on the wrong side of a war, and even if you’re on the “right” side you’re still peddling ruin and slaughter to the innocent if you’re a weapons designer. It doesn’t necessarily invalidate you morally, but there’s something a little queasy about celebrating the pure creative spirit that led you to build flying death machines.

That Miyazaki fully recognizes and acknowledges this difficulty, maybe even regards it as the point of his movie, doesn’t entirely banish the queasiness. Like Miyazaki’s other works, The Wind Rises is a movie to be savored, even loved. But it carries with it a stubborn unease.

Check out my list, on Topless Robot, of 10 Terrible Earlier Movies by this Year’s Oscar nominees. Enjoy Oscar night, if you care. Come to think of it, enjoy the night, whether you care or not.

Friday, January 31, 2014

HORSE/SHOW

Again, Happy (Chinese) New Year! My pal, the brilliant artist Vince Larue, made these gorgeous horses for The Kid, who was born in the previous Year of the Horse:





Check out my list, on Topless Robot, of 12 Nerdy Alternatives to the Super Bowl.

However you spend it, I hope everybody enjoys UberBowl Sunday. If, like me, you’re mostly indifferent to football, you’ll enjoy the quiet streets, sparsely populated movie theaters and short waits at restaurants. If you’re a fan, you’ll enjoy the festivity of the day, the excitement of the game and the spectacle of the show.

You may also be one of those who enjoy the Super Bowl commercials, those little exercises in corporate ego that often showcase dazzling skill in compressed cinematic narrative. Last year, one of the more popular ads was the “Team” commercial for the Hyundai Santa Fe, in which a put-upon little kid assembles a football team of other wimpy-looking kids engaged in various macho activities—wrestling bears, etc.

One kid is welding some big, round, suspended metal structure covered with what look like square shutters, making it for all the world resemble the sphere that heroes take to the Moon in The First Men in the Moon by H. G. Wells.


Can that possibly be what was intended—that he's planning a trip to the Moon?

Thursday, January 23, 2014

PROFESS UP

Check out my Topless Robot list in tribute to Russell “The Professor” Johnson. Also in Johnson’s honor…

Monster-of-the-Week:…let’s give the nod to any of the title characters in Attack of the Crab Monsters



…Roger Corman’s wonderfully nutso 1957 saga, in which Johnson was among the heroes. It’s number 9 on my list.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

KEANU WORLD ORDER

Happy Boxing Day!

Hope everybody had a great Christmas. It was a busy opening day at the multiplexes, and among other offerings was 47 Ronin


…a fantasy adventure featuring Keanu Reeves and a cool dragon that I became aware of too late to include in my Topless Robot list of cool pop-culture dragons. But that’s no reason…

Monster-of-the-Week: …he can’t be this week’s honoree…

Monday, December 16, 2013

LOVE IT AND LIST IT

In honor of the mighty Smaug, check out my list of the great pop-culture dragons on Topless Robot.



Valley holiday shoppers can also check out my list of some intriguing handmade gifts in his month’s issue of Phoenix Magazine


RIP to the great Peter O’Toole, passed on at 81. He’s likely to be most remembered for Lawrence of Arabia, but I love his glorious comic turn in My Favorite Year even more. RIP also to Joan Fontaine, passed on at 96, to crying-in-your-beer bard Ray Price, passed on at 87, and to Tom “Billy Jack” Laughlin, passed on at 82. Odd, somehow, to think that he was a year older than O’Toole.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

TOO FAST, INFURIATING

Here’s my Topless Robot list of the 13 Most Chilling Fictional Ice Monsters.


I was saddened to hear of the senseless death last weekend of Paul Walker, from the Fast and the Furious franchise. I wasn’t a fan of those movies—I only ever saw the first one, if I recall—but I did very briefly meet Walker years ago, at a Q&A after the screening of that flick. He seemed like a pleasant young guy.

The screening was packed with young gearheads, and I remember that one guy asked Walker how they could have trashed one of the cars they did in that first film. Walker explained that they had done no such thing, that the destroyed car was just a mock-up. Then, to the guy’s reaction, he said “Dude, you look so relieved!”

Anyway, in Walker’s memory…

Monster-of-the-Week: …this week the nod goes once again to the title ogre…



…from 1986’s Monster in the Closet, in which Walker, then a child actor, played the bespectacled “Professor.”

RIP also, by the way, to that superb actor Tony Musante, of the too-short-lived 1974 series Toma, passed on at 77.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

CARRION ON

Although he’s not in the top spot on my list of 13 Great Bird Monsters on Topless Robot…


Monster-of-the-Week: …this week let’s nonetheless give the nod to the title character in 1967’s The Vulture, here showing he’s even tough enough to take on Broderick Crawford…


This late show may be savored in its majestically inane entirety here.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

THE HAUNT FOR DREAD OCTOBER

Last week Your Humble Narrator received a letter in the mail from a friend Back East. For you younger readers, a “letter” is a piece of paper on which somebody you know writes down some personal message, folds it, places it in a specially-designed paper container called an envelope, on the outside of which they write your street address and then paste a stamp—a little sticker indicating that they’ve paid a small delivery fee to the U.S. Postal Service.

Then the person places in it a receptacle called a mail-box, and agents of the Federal government see that it’s left at your home. It’s like an email, except that it actually, physically exists, and takes a couple of days to get to you.

I was delighted to be at the receiving end of the charming old-fashioned custom—believe it or not, this was once a major means of communication—and even more delighted at the contents of the letter, which I pass on to you below, slightly edited, as a Halloween video recommendation:


…what happened kind of hit a nerve—Julie Harris died this August 24th. In the little article they printed in Entertainment Weekly they mentioned some of her films. But not The Haunting, and that just sucks [Indeed!—MVM]. I remember the first time I saw it about the age of thirteen and it scared me to death. To this day, once in a great while I’ll have an unsettling dream and upon waking I’ll know it was caused by The Haunting percolating around in my gray matter…I don’t know what Shirley Jackson thought of the film but for me it’s an example of a fine film based on a fine novel. The Haunting is one of the few films I know that makes the supernatural seem real. I Walked With a Zombie and Don’t Look Now might be a couple of others but for the most part after watching most horror movies you can shrug it off and know that nothing like what you just saw could ever happen. Not so with The Haunting. Sometimes when an actor passes away I’ll watch one of their films (when Patricia Neal died I watched A Face in the Crowd. When Andy Griffith died I watched it again.) But this time I’ll wait til October 31st. When the porch Jack O’ Lanterns are all extinguished and the last kid leaves with his treat, I’ll be watching The Haunting, to hear Eleanor Lance say ‘And we who walk here, walk alone.’


If you’ve never seen The Haunting, and wisely choose to follow my friend’s example, see to it that you’ve rented the 1963 version, and not the unfortunate 1999 remake with Lili Taylor, Liam Neeson and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Also, check out my Halloween tribute to the great Brother Theodore, on Topless Robot.