ALL CREATURES GREAT, SMALL AND SHELLED

One hot Saturday in May almost nine years ago The Wife, The Kid and I opened the garage door, planning to go to lunch, and saw an impossibly cute chihuahua with black-and-white superhero markings wandering up the sidewalk across the street. The Kid and I coaxed her to us, and we took her to the Humane Society, where we determined she didn't have a chip. She was wearing a collar (no tag), seemed well-fed and was friendly and fearless, so it seemed like somebody loved her, but her origins remained a mystery. I hate to think about what her previous person or people may have gone through if she went missing.

I wish I could tell that person that she lived with us from then on, that from day one she acted like she owned the place, held her own with two other weird chihuahuas, and brought us inexpressible joy and fun. We gave her the name Sadie, which seemed to fit her perfectly. She was feisty and bold and rambunctious and mischievous but deeply affectionate; she loved a belly rub. She hated the sound of fireworks. I doubt that anyone else will ever make me feel as important as she did by the way she greeted me whenever I came into the house, barking in a loud, proclamatory way, as if to make it clear what a significant event my arrival was.

Sadie departed this realm Friday before last, after a struggle with kidney disease. Peace and joy eternal sweet little creature; we'll miss you terribly.

Some memories:

Here she is early on in her time with us, after a minor foot injury; doesn't it seem like Lily, in the background, is gloating?

At the animal hospital on Camelback we took her to, we spent hours with her seated in a big common area, where you couldn't help but overhear and invest in everybody else's pet crises. Most memorably, near us was a guy holding a beautiful Russian tortoise which was--cringe--impaled on a stick, a nasty splintery rotten-wood shard jammed between his neck and his right foreleg, going in how far it was hard to say. The staff got x-rays and were calling other clinics that specialize in reptiles to consult; they were understandably afraid that if they just yanked it he'd bleed out. For all I know the poor thing might have been in terrible agony; tortoises have a pretty stoic manner.

I finally couldn't resist asking "How did this happen?" as the guy sat waiting, looking distraught, and he shrugged and said "He just came out of his burrow that way." I guess he must have kept him in his back yard? Anyway, after Sadie took her leave of us and we were walking out of the place, blubbering and sniffling, I saw that they had the poor tortoise on a procedure table, and one of the aides was drawing lines on his carapace based on the x-rays.

This past weekend we went back to pick up Sadie's ashes, and I asked the woman who brought them out if she knew what became of the tortoise; she said he survived!

GREEN NEW DEAL

Opening in theaters today:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem--This new animated feature version of the adolescent DNA-altered martial-arts-practicing chelonians is about mayhem that arises due to mutants. In case the title doesn't make it clear.

The quartet, all named for some reason after Italian Old Masters, dwell in the sewers of New York under the strict protective care of their teacher and adoptive parent, the mutant rat Splinter (voiced by Jackie Chan), but long to go to high school, maybe have girlfriends. On one of their sorties into the city, they meet high schooler April O'Niel (Ayo Edebiri), who's an aspiring journalist. They also run afoul of an evil scientist (Maya Rudolph) as well as a gang of other mutant animals led by the monstrous Superfly (Ice Cube).

It's a striking movie to look at. The visuals have a garish, roughed-out, graffiti-esque look, and the animation has a stylized hint of stop-motion in the Rankin-Bass manner. Among the writers are Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogen; Rogen also provides the voice of the mutant warthog Bebop. The trailer and poster say the movie is "FROM PERMANENT TEENAGER SETH ROGEN."

The jabbery, overlapping dialogue is ticklingly funny, and I appreciated the characterization of the young April, who in the earlier movies has seemingly served as eye candy for the dads in the audience, as a smart and brave but unconfident kid with a typical body shape. As with earlier entries in the series, the film is packed with product placement, to the point that it becomes part of the comedy.

The Turtles made their debut in 1983, too late to be part of my childhood; my nephews were fans. I remember finding the '90s-era live-action TMNT movies annoying, but I found the live-action features of 2014 and 2016 surprisingly fun, even without a nostalgic attachment. Mutant Mayhem, however, may be the best-looking and funniest of them all.

As is so often the case in movies for kids, the ultimate goal that our heroes are seeking is, of course, acceptance, popularity, or simply "to be normal." This persistent theme can be tiresome, but undoubtedly it does reflect a common wish among this film's target audience. Permanent Teenager Rogen and his collaborators know their business.

SHELL OR HIGH WATER

Happy October everybody! My favorite month, back again.

Plenty of opining by Your Humble Narrator, in case you have time on your hands: Check out my reviews of Free Solo and Marvel's Venom, online at Phoenix Magazine...

...as well as my "Four Corners" column on Valley gastropubs, and my short item about the abruptly announced demise and just as sudden revival of Pedro's Mexican in Glendale.

It's always a wacky adventure when my pal Vince Larue visits from Normandy.

Earlier this week we were heading up East Van Buren, along the back forty of the Phoenix Zoo, when we noticed a large object in the road—a turtle. We pulled into the parking lot of the Rolling Hills golf course and crossed two lanes of traffic to get to him. So much traffic went by in that time that I was sure he’d be turtle pizza by the time we reached him, but incredibly he was intact, plodding along calmly, almost to the far side of the road.

There was just a construction site there, however, with no water I could see, and since he was obviously an aquatic species of turtle I thought we’d better try to get him back to the lagoons at the rear of the zoo, from whence I’d guess he escaped; you can often see turtles sunning themselves there. It was tough to find a spot in the fence he could get through, but we finally left him at the bottom of a steep bank, near a muddy pool that led through an abutment under the fence. But not, of course, before getting a few testudine selfies...

 

Could I look any creepier? "Hey lady, y'wanna buy a turtle...?"

Hope he’s OK. It seemed like a better spot than where we found him, anyway.

MA VIE EN ROSEANNE

Time to pile on. This week...

Monster-of-the-Week: ...we'll give the nod to Kraang Prime...

...from the 2012 season of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, just because the hideous tentacled alien overlord was voiced by Roseanne.

If I was the sort willing to make comments about people's appearances, I might point out that Roseanne's voice has rarely issued from a lovelier face.

But I'm not that sort, of course.

SHELL IS FOR HEROES

With Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tearing up the box office this past weekend (Friday, June 3, 2016 has already been announced as the opening day for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2) a chelonian creature seems in order, so…

Monster-of-the-Week: …here's the gigantic Archelon (“Ruler Turtle”) animated by Ray Harryhausen in 1966’s One Million Years B.C.:

Many years ago I read an anarchist comic with an uncharacteristic streak of self-deprecating wit in which the old professor had a tiny pet turtle, complete with dish and little plastic palm tree, named “Anarchelon.”